The No-Contact Rule and How it Works

By on October 9, 2013






nc1

You know the usual break-up pattern, you cry, text him, beg him to come back, and tell him your feelings over and over again. You just know that once he sees how much you love him, he will come around. If he realizes your dedication, he’s yours again right? Wrong. Women, we are doing the break-up dance all wrong. We’ve all done the begging at one point, but it’s the worst thing you can do in the situation. If you hope to get your ex back, you have a better chance with the no-contact rule. The no-contact rule works much better and makes you look better in the end, no matter the outcome.

 

What is The No-Contact Rule?

The no-contact rule is just as it sounds. No contact for at least 30 days. This means no texts, no emails, no calls, no “accidental” run-ins, nothing. There are no exceptions to this rule. If you break the rule and send a quick hello text message, you have broken the no-contact rule and it becomes void. For the best chance at getting your ex back, you have to have absolutely no contact whatsoever! This includes checking in on his social media accounts. Just because you are not actually speaking with him, doesn’t mean the constant checking up on him isn’t dangerous for you mentally. Delete or block him if you can’t help but look at his sites.

Sometimes the no-contact rule is just not possible. There are situations that exes are in that requires contact. If this is impossible because you work together, have children, or some other reason, you have to limit contact to absolutely what is necessary and nothing else. Talk about the kids only if that’s the case. Talk during work ABOUT WORK only if that’s the case. Whatever the situation is, talk about nothing other than the required subject. Do not even ask how they are doing just to be polite. You don’t care. You have moved on, right?

nc2

The Chase

In the beginning of your relationship, you both had to work to impress each other. He chased you and you probably did some chasing as well. Somewhere along the way in most relationships, the chasing stops. The fun ends. People stop trying to impress each other and comfort sets in. Comfort is not necessarily a bad thing, but things can get too comfortable. When neither party tries anymore, the relationship goes stale really quickly. Whether or not men will admit it, they love the chase. That is why the no-contact order is brilliant. It creates the chase scenario again. Men realize that you are not chasing them and wonder why. Now they have to chase you instead. Believe me, 9 times out of 10, they will take up the chase again if you show that you are not in any way chasing them.

 

Advertisement


We Want What We Can’t Have

Every person has a little bit of this inside themselves. We all want what we can’t have. If you are constantly contacting him, he knows that he can have you in a heartbeat. Make him think otherwise. By not contacting him, you make him think that he cannot have you. Then he wants you more. I understand that this seems like a big game. It’s not. It’s the natural way that relationships work. Being too available is a huge turn-off for anyone, men or women. It reeks of desperation and no one wants a desperate significant other. You need to make him think that you are not available to him every minute of every day. You have a life and he may or may not be in it. Make him wonder why he can’t have you anymore. Make him long to have you since it appears that cannot anymore

 

During the No-Contact

After a relationship in which you were always allowed to contact your love, it’s hard to go to absolutely no contact, especially if your heart is hurting. In a relationship you are more or less addicted to the contact, touch, and love. After a break-up, you go through withdrawals of some sort. You need to find something to occupy your mind instead of letting the withdrawals eat you alive. Try these things during the no-contact order to ensure better success;

1. Better Yourself

Join a gym, take some classes, go shopping, work on quitting bad habits, etc. Take up a new hobby or learn a new talent. Whatever you do, just better yourself in some way. If your ex knows that you are bettering yourself, he will wonder why you aren’t dying in depression over him. “Maybe she wasn’t so in love with me as I thought?” He will work on trying to make you fall for him again.

2. Have Fun!

Go to every party you are invited to. Spend some time at the club (but do not drunk text while there!). Hang out with friends that you have neglected during your relationship. Maybe even go on a vacation. Have as much fun as possible and post those pictures everywhere to show your ex how much fun you have being single. Not only will he wonder when you started having fun without him, but he will also long to have as much fun as you are having. Lastly, he will wonder why he never saw this fun side of you.

3. Date

There are a whole lot of experts that say dating too soon is a recipe for destruction. We disagree. We’re not saying that you have to fall in love and move in with a new guy a week after your break-up, but go on some light-hearted dates. Chances are that your ex will hear about it and wonder how you moved on so fast. This goes back to the chase and it hits the competition bone that all men possess.

Advertisement


4. Look Your Best

Obviously you want to hang out in your pajamas and wallow in your sadness all day long without as much as taking a shower. Break-ups are very hard. It’s understandable. Don’t do it. Even if you plan on staying at home all day, get up, get showered, and look your best. It will make you feel a lot better about yourself whether or not anyone sees you.

5. Keep busy

Fill out your calendar so busy that there won’t be time to contact your ex even if you wanted to. Whether you pick up more hours at work or take up a second job, just find something to keep you busy. A busy mind is not a wandering mind. Don’t let your mind wander into contacting him. Pretend that you are just too busy to find the time in the day to talk to him. You’re very in demand after all.

 

Tripped Along the Way

 None of us are perfect and it’s okay if you trip up. Ideally you don’t want to fail at this for best results, but all is not lost if you break the no-contact rule. The only problem is that you have to start all over for it to work correctly. You need at least 30 days of no contact for this to work like it should. When you contact him, you show him that he doesn’t need to chase anymore. He got you with ease right? Start over from day one and he will wonder what happened. He might momentarily think he got you back, but then confuse him by going away again.

nc4

Mind Changed

Many times with the no-contact rule, a woman will realize that she doesn’t truly want him back after all. With the 30 days away, clarity comes. The rose colored glasses come off and suddenly things don’t look as good as they once did. This is great! Do not think of this as a bad thing at all. You’re a different person than you were during the relationship and break-up period. Move along and continue on as you were doing during the no-contact time. Be sure to tell him how you feel though as to not string him along when you have no intentions of going back to him. Also, in your next relationship, try to not make the same mistakes that were made in this one and use the 30 day no-contact rule whenever a break-up happens.

nc3

What If It Doesn’t Work?

 Depending on the relationship, the parties involved, and why the break-up happened, the no-contact rule might not work. After everything is said and done maybe one or both of you realize that the relationship wasn’t a good fit anyway. Accept that it was not meant to be and move along. Continue on with no-contact as long as you need to move on fully with your heart. Relationships end and new ones begin. With your new skills, new self, and new confidence, it shouldn’t be long until a new relationship comes about. In the meantime, enjoy your freedom! Have fun and be selfish. Do what you want to do, when you want to do it, and with whom you want to do it with.

Whatever you do, do not rush into a serious relationship just because you don’t want to be alone anymore. This never works out the way you think it will. That is a sure-fire way to be in this same, heartbroken position again. Instead, innocently date a variety of guys. Keep it light. You will get better clarity about what you are truly looking for in a man and what you need out of a relationship. Also, keep up your confidence and independence. No man wants a relationship in which his girl is solely dependent on him.

 





365 Comments

  1. Sharon

    November 6, 2016 at 7:49 am

    My boyfriend of 14 years broke up with me. He just got out of jail in March after 12 years. I did everything for him. Bought him clothes shoes everything he needed to start his life over. We live long distance. He was suppose to move with me and he lies so much, I caught him in my voice mail trying to talk to someone else. He’s a big liar and I think he’s moved on. I’m 2 months and he avoids blocks and treats me like I never stood by him. I tried NC and it worked. But I got so desperate I started calling and texting him a million times. I’m so hurt. He doesn’t care. Is there a chance for us even if he had moved on?

    • web admin

      web admin

      November 7, 2016 at 3:04 pm

      It is clear that he is no longer interested in a relationship with you. More than a decade of time with his thoughts to himself could be responsible for this. It is also obvious that he has chosen to not be respectful toward you. Allow him and thoughts of him to fade into the past. There is no reason to attempt to continue your relationship with him. Take this time to look inward and determine what kind of future that you want for yourself without him. Thank you for your comment, Sharon!

  2. Lanie

    October 28, 2016 at 12:54 pm

    Hi! I am in a relationship w/ a man since March of last year. Aug .of last year i told him i might be pregnant, during this time there’s been a lot of problems at his work. Then suddenly he was gone (no text, calls, msg on fb) by Dec.of last year i reached out .We met talked and everything rekindled All is fine until last week i txted him to buy meds for my urinary infection. He said he was busy .A week before this he was removed from his posts due to jealousy and problems from superior.I admit i nag when he does not reply right away. Then he asked how is it that i got the infection ,he told me he will not touch me anymore so I wont get sick, He added sort of saying nothing will happen anymore. I just shrugged it off then i texted him a couple more days.When he did not reply i tried calling him,And that’s when i learned he blocked me from his phone. I checked fb we were still friends and i still see his status and time stamps.Then i wrongly send a msg to him. I saw he read it last Monday i messaged him why he is not responding, That’s the time he blocked my messages but i still see his status and posts.I got so depressed,.What should i do.

    • web admin

      web admin

      October 28, 2016 at 3:17 pm

      If you are pregnant with his child, then perhaps you should be clear about his responsibility. If you are not pregnant and he is treating you in this negative manner, then it would be best for you to leave him in the past. Clearly he is not treating you with the respect that you deserve. Perhaps it would be wise to not message him and instead take this time to look inward to determine what you want for your future. Remain positive and mindful as you move forward, Lanie!

  3. Yelena

    August 15, 2016 at 7:46 pm

    I dated with a guy for one month. He is an alcholic and I havery ptsd. We hit it off at the beginning. When he was drunk- he would say I am rare person that makes him smile- he confided some of his secrets with me in a short period of time.. he had a lot going on- had two car wrecks for being drunk- was about to lose his sons custody… he broke up with me.. he said he didn’t want any relationship and he would be alone for the rest of his life and he only wantshows his son… do you think he would come back? Am I stupid to hope it? Should I stop contacting him? Please advise me.. s

    • web admin

      web admin

      August 16, 2016 at 3:04 pm

      He may want you back, however it is in your best interest to not further develop a relationship with him until he gets his act together. People who choose to take harmful actions and get into accidents when they drink often can have negative actions during a relationship. That doesn’t mean that you can’t support him as a friend, but for now, you should look inward and determine what you need for yourself for your own future.

  4. Danielle

    July 23, 2016 at 3:39 am

    Hi my boyfriend and I have been together for 2 years. He broke up with me over text. I said a couple hurtful things as I was hurt. Then said how can you throw are relationship away. He never responded. So 2 days later I sent him a closure letter saying not to respond. He responded saying how he felt and why he did it. He stated he’s been stressed this week and is missing me like crazy. That one day he would like to be friends and go out for coffee one day. I am now applying the NC rule do you think it will work and he will text me? Thanks

    • web admin

      web admin

      July 23, 2016 at 4:37 pm

      If you are applying the no contact rule, then it is clear that your mind is comfortable with the relationship being finished. Your relationship was ended and you should leave it that way. Take this time to focus inward and determine what you want for your future. If he reaches out to you and you find yourself interested in continuing communication with him at a later date, then respond to his messages at that time.

    • Kara

      October 26, 2016 at 2:44 pm

      My ex broke up with me and got back together with his previous ex since when we first got together, he said he had broken up with her to get the chance to know me. Do I have a chance of him wanting to get back together? It seems like his relationship is better with her than it ever was with me….

      • web admin

        web admin

        October 27, 2016 at 10:17 am

        If you find that this person is a serial dater, then you may find your life much less stressful if you don’t continue a relationship with him. If you are determined to do so, then perhaps it would be wise of you to speak with him about your concerns and feelings. It would be unfair of him to begin dating you again and then break up with you for his ex, or anyone else for that matter. That said, take this time to look inward to decide what you want for your future. If he fits into your future, then take your chances. Remain positive and mindful as you move forward, Kara!

  5. Mia

    July 18, 2016 at 2:53 pm

    Just wondering if my comment went through. I can’t seem to find it anywhere.

    Thanks.

    • web admin

      web admin

      July 19, 2016 at 2:30 pm

      This comment made it through. If you have a comment or question, feel free to post it again! Thank you!

  6. Mia

    July 18, 2016 at 12:26 pm

    Hi,

    My bf of 7 years has pushed me away as he wants to work on standing on his feet as he in unemployed and his dad wants him to be independent. He asked me to move on. He is being very mean to me and really pushing me away very very hard. I tried speaking to him but he always replies harshly. Also we have been in a long distance for quite sometime as he is in a different country. He was in the same country but moved last year in October due to some visa issues. He said he would work on coming back. And now he has got his visa but isn’t coming back yet as he told me he has some things to take care of. He told me he won’t be back anytime soon. Though he had told me he would talk to me about our relation when he would be back here. I had left it at that. And I found out that his family was back here and he wasn’t. So I texted asking him what his plans are. And he replied rudely saying I had told you to move on. Things got little heated up and I told him that I was done with him and blocked him from everywhere. I was doing the no contact but broke it when I texted him about when he would come back. But I felt so hurt with the way he spoke to me that I told him I was done and blocked him. I don’t know what to do anymore. He always pushes me away when things don’t go his way or when he has some issues to deal with. This is not the first time that he has done something like this. But he always came back. This time he told me it’s different and wouldn’t come crying back to me. I don’t know if he means it or is it him just trying to push me away because he thinks it’s the right thing to do because he feels he is pinning me down from living my life. I have always been patient with him and always give him his space. I still want him back. Do i keep him blocked for 30 days and try speaking to him again after the NCP?!
    Please do help.

    Thanks.

    • web admin

      web admin

      July 19, 2016 at 2:21 pm

      Whoever made up the ‘no contact rule’ should be ashamed of themselves for spreading this harmful and hateful idea. If you intend to get back together with this person, then do not follow the no contact rule. That said, it is more than clear that your relationship is over. Move on from him as he has chosen to explain his feelings toward you that you should move on. There is nothing for you to do than find a new partner or take this time to look inward and determine where you want you future to go – without him.

  7. Shafeek

    June 30, 2016 at 9:47 am

    I have been with her4years.Then I left school in febrary 29 it is second last date of febrary.then again I met her in school at may she saw me and smile at me I smile at her.After15minutes I was finding her wen she is in her class she saw me Then she started to ignore me and again iam in no contact.I took mobile and put a coment on youtube and said averything that what I did when I met her in 19th May to breakup expert and he said she is giving u hot and cold give her45day of no contact45day sounds good he said.Again I will meet her at after four month.Will she come back to me.and I like to tell her i want to marry u when I should tell her

    • web admin

      web admin

      July 1, 2016 at 1:05 pm

      Never follow the no contact rule. It is disrespectful, harmful to your partner, and hurtful to your own well being. If you want to be with the person, then be with the person. If you do not want to be with them, then don’t. The no contact rule does not help the situation in the slightest. Speak with her about your feelings and your desires, and if she shares them, then go forward.

  8. Januri

    May 23, 2016 at 8:25 am

    Hi,

    I have been in a 10 month Lond distance relationship, he is in France and I am in Singapore. He has come to Singapore 5 times and I have gone to France 3 times. And he is now moving to Singapore, a transfer he asked for in order for us to be together. And he just broke up with me because he says he is uncomfortable with the difference in our lifestyles, the problem is I make a lot more money than him and I ended up paying for a lot of things he could not afford. I understand that I made him uncomfortable and I apologised. But he says he still loves me but can’t be together right now , not sure what to do. Do we have a chance?

    • web admin

      web admin

      May 26, 2016 at 7:21 am

      It is possible that he could be with you again. He will finally be in the same country, which will make it much easier for you guys to be together if that is what you both want. At the very least, you will get a chance to be around him more frequently. Try to hang out with him when he is in your country and see how things go. If the main reason was distance and lifestyle differences, then being around each other and going to more inexpensive places could make a relationship possible again. Good luck, Januri!

  9. jade

    March 22, 2016 at 10:02 am

    i was with my ex for 8 months and we were friends first. for 2yrs. we also previously went to the same highschool im 41 now and he’ll be 40 soon. he’s a realtor he actually helped me get my first house.shortly after moving in i was sick with the flu was out for almost 3 weeks brfore going back to work so he started coming over on a regular checking up on me, getting me groceries, staying long days and nights with me, we always got along great, good friends i never looked at him any other way besides a friend then i say about 16 months later my feeling grew and i fell in love with him, the great thing about it is that we were friends first, when i told him how i felt he said he had already fallen a long time ago but didnt want to mess our friendship up by telling me in case i didnt feel the same. well he has a great bond as always with my kids who are 19 and 20 now( two boys) in college he would go see about them when they needed anything he bonded with them before they even left home to go to college, he would put money in their acct to have for college, groceries, taught them how to maintenance a vehicle, manhood talks, he even hosted both of their trunk parties before leaving for college, celebrated their bdays,exc..they looked up to him as well as my family so over some time i say about into our 6 month i wanted to know why he has never let me meet his 3 sons, 2of them are with one woman and his youngest is with another..their ages are 9, 17, and 20 so i am not understanding why he knows everything about me and my family my life is an open book and i know nothing more of him. he said he wants to marry me, that im the woman for him, he constantly says he loves me but started changing and being with drawn and distamt close to our 8 month, plus i still do not know where he lives at?? and i told him why havent u taken me where u live or never asked me to come over ? he gioves me a story that he lives with his male older cousin and he’s such a christian that he doesnt allow women to come over, i said well im not spending the night but dont understand why i still cant see where u live, i dont have an adrress or nothing he gives me, plus why havent i met the kids, and i asked him sometime last year if he was ever married ans he said no he never been married and i was the closet to ever dream about him marrying ever…lately i found out because his cousin works at the hospital with me that he was married before and she told me her mom said one day he was like she can have the house the car, but please someone tell me why she is leaving me?? what did i do so wrong for her to leave me? til this day he doesnt even know i know he was married but why did he lie?? im thinking something is just not right? and has he gotten a divorce yet? or still married..but who stays over your house and spend the night and doesnt leave til like 7am in the morning if u already had someone?? thats why i didnt think it was a woman at first but someone has to be in the picture! hes not fully committed to me like u would be in a full relationship its like hes holding me back and not being honest with what ever is going on…then he started acting sarcastic and stop coming over when he was going to move in with me? im confused and left me hanging from coming over 3 weeks without seeing me…who does that..i told him how i felt and where has he been? thats a new behavior and its not right, i tld him i shouldnt have a boyfriend and feel lonely and u not seeing me for weeks, and a couple times he hung up on me…i was shocked when i tried to approach him about why he is acting this way, i been 100% committed nothing to hide i just want the same thing and have given him way to many chances and he goes right back and keep doin the same thing. so it hurt me but i just let him go , i havent told him but he knows why because i gave him the solid treatment and havent toalked to him for a lil over a eek now…im still doing the silent treatment to see if he will fight for me bcuz he only messages me thru fb and thats not cool either why cant u puck up the phone and call me and when i call he rarely ever picks up..and im tired of always being the one to make the first mover..what should i do??? he keeps putting love somgs on fb, but thats not communicating he’s not going outside the box to prove he wants me the same way.

    • web admin

      web admin

      March 26, 2016 at 4:23 pm

      Huh. It sounds like there could be another woman or something going on with his ex. It is also possible that he did not tell you about the marriage because he is having a hard time getting over it and moving on. At the same time, it seems weird that he would not let you come over to his house and he won’t introduce you to his kids. Not picking up the phone regularly and suddenly not talking to you makes it seem like there is a reason why he cannot talk to you. Either he is the world’s most protective father and is having a very challenging time getting over his divorce, or there is someone else. If you get in touch with him again, ask to come over to his house for dinner. If he will not let you meet his family or even have dinner at his house, then something is going on.

  10. madeofjoy

    March 21, 2016 at 1:17 am

    Hi. I am currently on my 2nd day of no contact rule but I am not sure if it will work.

    Our relationship: 6 years together. Live-in for 5 years. No cheating invloved. Just an ex who wont leave us alone whenever she is in town.

    His Feelings: He feels that he has disappointed me several times and feels so disheartened that he cannot “meet my expectations”. He also wanted out because he does not know why he does not have enough push to do the things that would make me happy – savings, new job, etc. He wants to do it but does not have the follow-through. No more “fire”. He feels guilty for hurting me all the time and no longer wants to feel guilty anymore. He also said he wants to figure out about his hung-ups with his ex-gf since he cant seem to stop entertaining her even though I am uncomfortable about it. Remember, no cheating invloved. Just communication and quick meets.

    My feelings: I feel betrayed that he cannot seem to full leave his ex. Yes, I have been pushing him to do things since it will help him become better even though he is not ready. Yes, I sometimes belittle his capabilities and always reminds him of his mistakes and failures. I feel that I have a hand in why he lost his “fire”.

    I love him and I feel terrible for making him feel bad since he is actually a great guy. We were so great together and accomplished a lot of greatness together. I enumerated the great things he has done for me but no matter what I say, his disappointment and guilt towards himself is too strong. I cant blame him since I always remind him of his mistakes.

    My no contact period: I will find myself and remind myself on why I loved my bf in the first place. I need to release all resentment and focus on the good. Find my faith in him again. Remember, he never cheated but I have always wanted something more from him because I know he is capable of doing more. I was not patient enough for him to find his own way. Because of that, I would say harsh words that would put him down. I need to find acceptance in the man the I love. Who and what he is because he truly is amazing.

    With the way my bf feels, he said he feels lost. Will the no contact rule help give him the time and space to get his confidence back in himself, find the answers he has been looking for in himself, and maybe (I know it might not happen) come back to me?

    • web admin

      web admin

      March 23, 2016 at 11:57 pm

      There is a chance that the no-contact rule will help in this situation. After dating for so long, it could take weeks or months for him to clear his mind and figure out what he really wants. Be patient, stay busy and hope that he figures things out soon enough. Good luck!

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *