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    The No-Contact Rule and How it Works

    By on October 9, 2013

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    You know the usual break-up pattern, you cry, text him, beg him to come back, and tell him your feelings over and over again. You just know that once he sees how much you love him, he will come around. If he realizes your dedication, he’s yours again right? Wrong. Women, we are doing the break-up dance all wrong. We’ve all done the begging at one point, but it’s the worst thing you can do in the situation. If you hope to get your ex back, you have a better chance with the no-contact rule. The no-contact rule works much better and makes you look better in the end, no matter the outcome.

     

    What is The No-Contact Rule?

    The no-contact rule is just as it sounds. No contact for at least 30 days. This means no texts, no emails, no calls, no “accidental” run-ins, nothing. There are no exceptions to this rule. If you break the rule and send a quick hello text message, you have broken the no-contact rule and it becomes void. For the best chance at getting your ex back, you have to have absolutely no contact whatsoever! This includes checking in on his social media accounts. Just because you are not actually speaking with him, doesn’t mean the constant checking up on him isn’t dangerous for you mentally. Delete or block him if you can’t help but look at his sites.

    Sometimes the no-contact rule is just not possible. There are situations that exes are in that requires contact. If this is impossible because you work together, have children, or some other reason, you have to limit contact to absolutely what is necessary and nothing else. Talk about the kids only if that’s the case. Talk during work ABOUT WORK only if that’s the case. Whatever the situation is, talk about nothing other than the required subject. Do not even ask how they are doing just to be polite. You don’t care. You have moved on, right?

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    The Chase

    In the beginning of your relationship, you both had to work to impress each other. He chased you and you probably did some chasing as well. Somewhere along the way in most relationships, the chasing stops. The fun ends. People stop trying to impress each other and comfort sets in. Comfort is not necessarily a bad thing, but things can get too comfortable. When neither party tries anymore, the relationship goes stale really quickly. Whether or not men will admit it, they love the chase. That is why the no-contact order is brilliant. It creates the chase scenario again. Men realize that you are not chasing them and wonder why. Now they have to chase you instead. Believe me, 9 times out of 10, they will take up the chase again if you show that you are not in any way chasing them.

     

    We Want What We Can’t Have

    Every person has a little bit of this inside themselves. We all want what we can’t have. If you are constantly contacting him, he knows that he can have you in a heartbeat. Make him think otherwise. By not contacting him, you make him think that he cannot have you. Then he wants you more. I understand that this seems like a big game. It’s not. It’s the natural way that relationships work. Being too available is a huge turn-off for anyone, men or women. It reeks of desperation and no one wants a desperate significant other. You need to make him think that you are not available to him every minute of every day. You have a life and he may or may not be in it. Make him wonder why he can’t have you anymore. Make him long to have you since it appears that cannot anymore

     

    During the No-Contact

    After a relationship in which you were always allowed to contact your love, it’s hard to go to absolutely no contact, especially if your heart is hurting. In a relationship you are more or less addicted to the contact, touch, and love. After a break-up, you go through withdrawals of some sort. You need to find something to occupy your mind instead of letting the withdrawals eat you alive. Try these things during the no-contact order to ensure better success;

    1. Better Yourself

    Join a gym, take some classes, go shopping, work on quitting bad habits, etc. Take up a new hobby or learn a new talent. Whatever you do, just better yourself in some way. If your ex knows that you are bettering yourself, he will wonder why you aren’t dying in depression over him. “Maybe she wasn’t so in love with me as I thought?” He will work on trying to make you fall for him again.

    2. Have Fun!

    Go to every party you are invited to. Spend some time at the club (but do not drunk text while there!). Hang out with friends that you have neglected during your relationship. Maybe even go on a vacation. Have as much fun as possible and post those pictures everywhere to show your ex how much fun you have being single. Not only will he wonder when you started having fun without him, but he will also long to have as much fun as you are having. Lastly, he will wonder why he never saw this fun side of you.

    3. Date

    There are a whole lot of experts that say dating too soon is a recipe for destruction. We disagree. We’re not saying that you have to fall in love and move in with a new guy a week after your break-up, but go on some light-hearted dates. Chances are that your ex will hear about it and wonder how you moved on so fast. This goes back to the chase and it hits the competition bone that all men possess.

    4. Look Your Best

    Obviously you want to hang out in your pajamas and wallow in your sadness all day long without as much as taking a shower. Break-ups are very hard. It’s understandable. Don’t do it. Even if you plan on staying at home all day, get up, get showered, and look your best. It will make you feel a lot better about yourself whether or not anyone sees you.

    5. Keep busy

    Fill out your calendar so busy that there won’t be time to contact your ex even if you wanted to. Whether you pick up more hours at work or take up a second job, just find something to keep you busy. A busy mind is not a wandering mind. Don’t let your mind wander into contacting him. Pretend that you are just too busy to find the time in the day to talk to him. You’re very in demand after all.

     

    Tripped Along the Way

     None of us are perfect and it’s okay if you trip up. Ideally you don’t want to fail at this for best results, but all is not lost if you break the no-contact rule. The only problem is that you have to start all over for it to work correctly. You need at least 30 days of no contact for this to work like it should. When you contact him, you show him that he doesn’t need to chase anymore. He got you with ease right? Start over from day one and he will wonder what happened. He might momentarily think he got you back, but then confuse him by going away again.

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    Mind Changed

    Many times with the no-contact rule, a woman will realize that she doesn’t truly want him back after all. With the 30 days away, clarity comes. The rose colored glasses come off and suddenly things don’t look as good as they once did. This is great! Do not think of this as a bad thing at all. You’re a different person than you were during the relationship and break-up period. Move along and continue on as you were doing during the no-contact time. Be sure to tell him how you feel though as to not string him along when you have no intentions of going back to him. Also, in your next relationship, try to not make the same mistakes that were made in this one and use the 30 day no-contact rule whenever a break-up happens.

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    What If It Doesn’t Work?

     Depending on the relationship, the parties involved, and why the break-up happened, the no-contact rule might not work. After everything is said and done maybe one or both of you realize that the relationship wasn’t a good fit anyway. Accept that it was not meant to be and move along. Continue on with no-contact as long as you need to move on fully with your heart. Relationships end and new ones begin. With your new skills, new self, and new confidence, it shouldn’t be long until a new relationship comes about. In the meantime, enjoy your freedom! Have fun and be selfish. Do what you want to do, when you want to do it, and with whom you want to do it with.

    Whatever you do, do not rush into a serious relationship just because you don’t want to be alone anymore. This never works out the way you think it will. That is a sure-fire way to be in this same, heartbroken position again. Instead, innocently date a variety of guys. Keep it light. You will get better clarity about what you are truly looking for in a man and what you need out of a relationship. Also, keep up your confidence and independence. No man wants a relationship in which his girl is solely dependent on him.

     

    392 Comments

    1. Vivian

      July 19, 2017 at 1:31 pm

      I’m following the No Contact rule for a week now. That’s not what is killing me. The thing that killing me is he cheated on me, betrayed me to be with my sister, and my sister believe him.
      Seeing them flirting with each other, having fun with each other making me so miserable and very very difficult for me to forget him.
      What should I do?

      • web admin

        web admin

        July 19, 2017 at 8:17 pm

        Your relationship has finished. Do not reach out to him, as there is no reason to continue your relationship with him. There is no reason to speak with your sister at this time. When their relationship ends, then you may choose to develop your relationship with her again at this time. Take this time to look inward and determine what your want for your future. Have a great day, Vivian!

    2. Alex

      July 7, 2017 at 6:34 am

      Hi,
      My ex and I just recently broke up a month ago. Since things ended we really didn’t talk much, just texted about returning personal items and I actually texted him about 2 weeks ago to discuss the exact reasonings behind our breakup. He was kind and responded to me, but was somewhat short. I said at the end of our exchange that I wouldn’t bother him again. He goes away to college but he’s home for the summer right now. The biggest reason we ended things was because of the distance and the fact that his life at school was becoming more important than our relationship. I still have hope that we can work things out and I don’t plan on contacting him again. In my situation do you think the no contact rule will affect him contacting me? I still have hope for us, even if it’s after we both graduate. But for now, if I stick to not texting him, do you think theres any chance this no contact will work and he will want to talk before he leaves for school? Or will he continue to keep no contact maybe because he doesn’t want to start things up right before he leaves? Any ideas?

      • web admin

        web admin

        July 7, 2017 at 7:10 pm

        It sounds as though you have an excellent plan. Your relationship is over, so there is no reason to contact him. If he reaches out to you, then speak with him if you want to. There is no reason for you to develop a new relationship with him. If you do not let him into your life, then you will not have to deal with him. Have a great day, Alex!

    3. Yanzypie

      June 3, 2017 at 8:13 pm

      Dated this guy for 2 and a half months, two weeks into it I found out he had just came out of a 3 year relationship and he has a daughter who is a year old. He pursued me and did everything to convince me that he wanted to be with me but needed time as he just came out of a relationship. 7 days ago I ended it with him because he said the dreaded words “I’m not ready to get back into a relationship” as well as he would dissapear certain nights and his phone would be off saying that his battery died and that he was out with the guys. He never wants to make plans in advance with me but yet still he makes plans with his friends in advance if that is what he is doing with his weekends. something tells me he may not be over his ex as he says he is and that is understandable but I just didnt want to waste anymore time as he has already expressed what he wants well so to speak. I miss him and I’m trying not to cave in and contact him.

      Part of me feels like maybe I should have waited longer to see if he changed his mind but I know better than that. He probably just does not want a relationship with me or still not over his ex or both. It really hurts. So far tom will be day 7 of NC and I have not heard from him, probably never would. did I do the right thing?

      • web admin

        web admin

        June 5, 2017 at 1:59 pm

        You did the right thing. There is no reason to contact him because you are not interested in developing a relationship with him. Take this time to determine what you want for your future without him. Allow thoughts of him to fade into the past. Have a great day, Yanzypie!

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