The No-Contact Rule and How it Works

By on October 9, 2013

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You know the usual break-up pattern, you cry, text him, beg him to come back, and tell him your feelings over and over again. You just know that once he sees how much you love him, he will come around. If he realizes your dedication, he’s yours again right? Wrong. Women, we are doing the break-up dance all wrong. We’ve all done the begging at one point, but it’s the worst thing you can do in the situation. If you hope to get your ex back, you have a better chance with the no-contact rule. The no-contact rule works much better and makes you look better in the end, no matter the outcome.

 

What is The No-Contact Rule?

The no-contact rule is just as it sounds. No contact for at least 30 days. This means no texts, no emails, no calls, no “accidental” run-ins, nothing. There are no exceptions to this rule. If you break the rule and send a quick hello text message, you have broken the no-contact rule and it becomes void. For the best chance at getting your ex back, you have to have absolutely no contact whatsoever! This includes checking in on his social media accounts. Just because you are not actually speaking with him, doesn’t mean the constant checking up on him isn’t dangerous for you mentally. Delete or block him if you can’t help but look at his sites.

Sometimes the no-contact rule is just not possible. There are situations that exes are in that requires contact. If this is impossible because you work together, have children, or some other reason, you have to limit contact to absolutely what is necessary and nothing else. Talk about the kids only if that’s the case. Talk during work ABOUT WORK only if that’s the case. Whatever the situation is, talk about nothing other than the required subject. Do not even ask how they are doing just to be polite. You don’t care. You have moved on, right?

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The Chase

In the beginning of your relationship, you both had to work to impress each other. He chased you and you probably did some chasing as well. Somewhere along the way in most relationships, the chasing stops. The fun ends. People stop trying to impress each other and comfort sets in. Comfort is not necessarily a bad thing, but things can get too comfortable. When neither party tries anymore, the relationship goes stale really quickly. Whether or not men will admit it, they love the chase. That is why the no-contact order is brilliant. It creates the chase scenario again. Men realize that you are not chasing them and wonder why. Now they have to chase you instead. Believe me, 9 times out of 10, they will take up the chase again if you show that you are not in any way chasing them.

 

We Want What We Can’t Have

Every person has a little bit of this inside themselves. We all want what we can’t have. If you are constantly contacting him, he knows that he can have you in a heartbeat. Make him think otherwise. By not contacting him, you make him think that he cannot have you. Then he wants you more. I understand that this seems like a big game. It’s not. It’s the natural way that relationships work. Being too available is a huge turn-off for anyone, men or women. It reeks of desperation and no one wants a desperate significant other. You need to make him think that you are not available to him every minute of every day. You have a life and he may or may not be in it. Make him wonder why he can’t have you anymore. Make him long to have you since it appears that cannot anymore

 

During the No-Contact

After a relationship in which you were always allowed to contact your love, it’s hard to go to absolutely no contact, especially if your heart is hurting. In a relationship you are more or less addicted to the contact, touch, and love. After a break-up, you go through withdrawals of some sort. You need to find something to occupy your mind instead of letting the withdrawals eat you alive. Try these things during the no-contact order to ensure better success;

1. Better Yourself

Join a gym, take some classes, go shopping, work on quitting bad habits, etc. Take up a new hobby or learn a new talent. Whatever you do, just better yourself in some way. If your ex knows that you are bettering yourself, he will wonder why you aren’t dying in depression over him. “Maybe she wasn’t so in love with me as I thought?” He will work on trying to make you fall for him again.

2. Have Fun!

Go to every party you are invited to. Spend some time at the club (but do not drunk text while there!). Hang out with friends that you have neglected during your relationship. Maybe even go on a vacation. Have as much fun as possible and post those pictures everywhere to show your ex how much fun you have being single. Not only will he wonder when you started having fun without him, but he will also long to have as much fun as you are having. Lastly, he will wonder why he never saw this fun side of you.

3. Date

There are a whole lot of experts that say dating too soon is a recipe for destruction. We disagree. We’re not saying that you have to fall in love and move in with a new guy a week after your break-up, but go on some light-hearted dates. Chances are that your ex will hear about it and wonder how you moved on so fast. This goes back to the chase and it hits the competition bone that all men possess.

4. Look Your Best

Obviously you want to hang out in your pajamas and wallow in your sadness all day long without as much as taking a shower. Break-ups are very hard. It’s understandable. Don’t do it. Even if you plan on staying at home all day, get up, get showered, and look your best. It will make you feel a lot better about yourself whether or not anyone sees you.

5. Keep busy

Fill out your calendar so busy that there won’t be time to contact your ex even if you wanted to. Whether you pick up more hours at work or take up a second job, just find something to keep you busy. A busy mind is not a wandering mind. Don’t let your mind wander into contacting him. Pretend that you are just too busy to find the time in the day to talk to him. You’re very in demand after all.

 

Tripped Along the Way

 None of us are perfect and it’s okay if you trip up. Ideally you don’t want to fail at this for best results, but all is not lost if you break the no-contact rule. The only problem is that you have to start all over for it to work correctly. You need at least 30 days of no contact for this to work like it should. When you contact him, you show him that he doesn’t need to chase anymore. He got you with ease right? Start over from day one and he will wonder what happened. He might momentarily think he got you back, but then confuse him by going away again.

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Mind Changed

Many times with the no-contact rule, a woman will realize that she doesn’t truly want him back after all. With the 30 days away, clarity comes. The rose colored glasses come off and suddenly things don’t look as good as they once did. This is great! Do not think of this as a bad thing at all. You’re a different person than you were during the relationship and break-up period. Move along and continue on as you were doing during the no-contact time. Be sure to tell him how you feel though as to not string him along when you have no intentions of going back to him. Also, in your next relationship, try to not make the same mistakes that were made in this one and use the 30 day no-contact rule whenever a break-up happens.

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What If It Doesn’t Work?

 Depending on the relationship, the parties involved, and why the break-up happened, the no-contact rule might not work. After everything is said and done maybe one or both of you realize that the relationship wasn’t a good fit anyway. Accept that it was not meant to be and move along. Continue on with no-contact as long as you need to move on fully with your heart. Relationships end and new ones begin. With your new skills, new self, and new confidence, it shouldn’t be long until a new relationship comes about. In the meantime, enjoy your freedom! Have fun and be selfish. Do what you want to do, when you want to do it, and with whom you want to do it with.

Whatever you do, do not rush into a serious relationship just because you don’t want to be alone anymore. This never works out the way you think it will. That is a sure-fire way to be in this same, heartbroken position again. Instead, innocently date a variety of guys. Keep it light. You will get better clarity about what you are truly looking for in a man and what you need out of a relationship. Also, keep up your confidence and independence. No man wants a relationship in which his girl is solely dependent on him.

 

406 Comments

  1. Ya ya

    May 25, 2018 at 12:22 am

    Hello I met this guy off a online dating site. He lived in a different state. He came to my city because he had friends here so we decided to meet up. He was a nice guy and we could talk for hours. months go by and he continues to come to my area and we would spent a lot of time together. I thought the relationship would only be a friendship because he didn’t make any attempts to get intimate in any shape way or form. No hugs, kisses ect . However he continued to come to my state spending more time with me at my home and less time with his friends. In this timeframe we built a close friendship to what I thought we could tell each other anything. He tells me that he is dealing with someone in his state. It’s only a sexual relationship but doesn’t see a future with her. Time goes on and one night we had the most awkward sexual experience ever. I initiate it and he seem excited that I did. but the next day was awkward he is not affectionate and attempts to show affection came across weird and out of place. He gets up and makes a phone call that last 2 hours! I don’t like awkward encounters so my response was if you feel uncomfortable I can drop you off at your friends house. he explained that he was ok and why he had to take the 2 hour phone call we ended up spending the whole day together . When he goes home it got even more strange it went from us talking regularly to weeks going by and I didn’t hear from him . I’m a huge fan of the no contact rule so I blocked him on my phone. This lasted 2 weeks. Because I never truly got closure I decided to unblock him just to see if he would eventually contact me. Low and behold the day I unblocked him is the same day he sent a text that stated am I still blocked ? Of course this won me over and we continued to communicate. Months go on but because of his friends schedule he is not coming to my city as often, however we are talking regularly . He mentioned several times for me to come see him because he was in my city so often and I never came to his. So I agreed . I finally go and the first night was odd because he had his son with him. The second day we are hanging out all day just me and him. We are hanging out like friends no romantic gestures just friends. I am a go with the flow type person so I do blame myself for not expressing my true feelings for him. Honestly I liked him a lot but I never got the feeling he liked me like that. Well we made a gas station stop and his phone was connected to his Bluetooth to his car I can hear his conversations. but not clearly. I could tell he was talking to a girl . I dont put any emphasis on it. So later on I mentioned he had his Bluetooth still connected to his car. He asked me what did I hear . I said nothing really. I think he had a guilty conscious ( I’m assuming ) so later he tells me you know the girl I was seeing well she’s pregnant . Ok… because of her past and the nature of his and her relationship he has his reservations if the baby is his. He then says if the baby is his he wants to do the right thing and take care of the baby and move her in his house and they will be in a relationship … I was floored … he then says I’m torn because he didn’t foresee them being together and then he meets me. although I didn’t say much because I didn’t want him to see me truly hurt the only thing I could say was well I hope u guys are happy. We kinda ignored that topic for the rest of the day. Later that night we were up late because my flight leaves early in the morning. We are laying down and he is all over me something that NEVER happens he never wants to kiss nothing. That night he couldn’t contain himself . The flesh is weak and unfortunately I caved in and we had sex. Afterwards we are racing to the airport I’m kinda disappointed in myself so I real short and brief we got to the airport and I just got out the car barely saying bye. We texted each basically saying yeah I’m home. Ect… I then decided to block him again . Because the story of her being pregnant and moving her in is sketchy and furthermore I’m not going to be the girl you cheat with . honestly he should of told me this before I got there. I blocked him for several reasons but the main reason is I need time to just process this and move on. However at some point later on down the road I do want to reach out to him to see how he is because we were friends . Although the situation is bs I can’t take away the fact he was always a good friend to me. He was always there for me especially in the times I needed him. So my question is if you initiated the no contact rule how do you eventually reach out again?

    • web admin

      web admin

      May 25, 2018 at 10:09 pm

      You have determined that his actions were unacceptable for your relationship. He now needs to focus on his family. You have chosen to block him, so do not attempt to reach out to him at this time. Focus your emotional energy elsewhere, as you will find great benefit by allowing thoughts of him to fade. Have a great day, Ya ya!

  2. Tess

    February 27, 2018 at 4:46 pm

    I had been in an online relationship with a man who I fell in love with for 5 years. It has been up and down more so in the last two years, I saved up and went and saw him the first time 2 years after we met, that went ok and we continued to have a relationship, there were a number of arguments and I did break it off a number of times due to the lack of commitment to learn English as he had promised me, for NZ was to be his new home. I craved seeing him and using skype, although he was here everyday it was just a usual high and bye without and substance, I felt him pulling away from me, He has never left me until I broke it off 2 and half months ago and he said that he can no longer be with a woman who keeps destroying him, I apologized for how I did it as I was very angry. As the second time I flew to the Czech Republic from NZ, I felt he really diddn’t want to have much to do with me, he drank everyday until morning until night, highly disrespectful and played his pc game all the time I was alone with him. Before I left we had big arguments and he embarrassed me by posting a porn pic graphic on fb when he was drunk and denied it but he also added his ex at the same time. Finally he said that he missed a woman’s touch but when I went to see him, he had made excuses as to why he didn’t want to be intimate with me. He never blocked me until 2 and half months ago and there is no way I can contact him. He has called me a bad woman but I tried to see him, spent so much money and worked 2 jobs and he didn’t really appreciate it. He was always there online but needed so much space that I felt we had a non existent relationship, every time I tried to say how I felt I was shut down. I miss the good times and find it hard as he was an artist, lazy but still I loved him. I am also an artist but I have a job and he said he was different, he always made excuses as to why he couldn’t do this or that, all I wanted was for him to commit but he just turned everything out to be my fault, he had the nerve to tell me he loves me for who I am but preceded to tell me that his friends thought I was pregnant with another mans baby as I have a gluten intolerance and my tummy gets bloated, he said he had to explain, it is as if he wasn’t attracted to me as he once was as I had my bloated tummy, claiming he was shocked. He made fun of me and belittled me saying hahaha Tess has a baby, I felt so small and disgusting. especially when he is big and I never commented about his weight. Near the end he was messaging my daughter at inappropriate times during the morning and saying for me to let him sleep all the while he was continuing to message me adult daughter. I know I ended this many times but I felt he was making a joke about our love that he wasn’t serious. He blames me for everything told me he hates me. I put up with so much bad behavior because he did do some sweet gestures but his actions didn’t match his words. I still have some of his stuff he sent me his keepsakes but I can’t contact him, I dreamed the fairy tale thinking I had found the man for me, I was hoping one day we would marry, I am finding it hard to let go and keep wondering if he will one day miss me as I miss him. Help 🙁

    • web admin

      web admin

      March 1, 2018 at 8:43 pm

      He has abused and neglected you with his actions. He attempted to develop relationships with your daughters. He has chosen to act in an unacceptable manner. Take this time to strengthen your relationships with your family and friends. Determine what you want for your future. Speak directly and honestly with him about your thoughts and feelings. Have a great day, Tess!

  3. Theresa Phillips

    February 27, 2018 at 12:24 pm

    Hi, wondering if you can help me. I had been in an online relationship for 5 years with a man in the Czech Republic and we communicated daily but over time it became less talking and sharing, I would get a morning wake up every morning for work and I appreciated he cared that much. I went and saw him twice over this time and was alot of money and time to save hard, I worked so hard but before I heft to see him the second time he was drinking and in denial, he would act strange and not openly communicate, he added his ex on fb and posted a porn picture on his shared timeline, my whole family sae and they were embarrassed. I felt cheated as I tried so hard to gain his sexual attention but felt he pushed me away. He then said he missed a womans touch and needed me but when I flew to see him again he made excuses not to have sex with me, I understand that a relationship isn,t solely based on sex but I hadn’t seen him for 3 years. I feel I wasn’t what he wanted and felt rejected. I flew from NZ for two days for him to not really invest in me and he just played a game on his computer every chance he got, and he drank every day from morning until night. It was so sad, I felt he never wantes me there. I came home and he and I still told each other we loved one another until he said I wrote too much and I was sucking him dry, he promised at the beginning that he would learn english as NZ was to be his new home but it never happened. I was not allowed to even skype, I became needy as I needed proper communication instead of me always having to translate his messages. He is an artist and so am I but I have a job but he doesn’t as he is egotistical an believes he is different. Our last chats on fb were that I was sucking him dry and ruinig what he was doing. A quick hello in the mornings was not my idea of talking, I became frustrated and took him off fb and he previously had chatted to my daughter sending music but he was drunk and behaving weird, told me to let him sleep while he messaged my adult daughter. My family took him off because of how he was treating me. I do see that I was negative at times but felt him pull away from me. He has blocked me but before he did borated me for 3 hours about how much of a bad woman I am. It’s not the first time I have taken him off because of frustration and he has had periods of ignoring me anx not dealin with our issues. He was not emotionally available over the whole 5 years and I feel my emotions. I know I needy but felt I needed certain things. He has no children and lives a very free life and that is where we are different. Two months now and I am still blocked. I love him so much but feel he hates me now as he said he has never left me, but he did pulling away and to me is no different. I tried to show I cared by flying to him. I feel I have ruined everything, he even told me so…..he said why would I want to be with a woman who keeps destroying me. I am not totally to blame but see how I could have done things different. I am so torn, I miss him so much.

    • web admin

      web admin

      March 1, 2018 at 8:28 pm

      He has neglected to nourish a relationship with you. Your family does not like him. He has blocked you. He has shared his thoughts and feelings with you. Do not attempt to maintain a relationship with him. Allow thoughts of him to fade. Focus your emotional energy elsewhere. Take this time to determine what you want for your future without him. Have a great day, Theresa!

  4. Vi

    January 25, 2018 at 5:49 pm

    I was seeing a gemini man for nearly 8 months long distance,we talked most days,and I stayed with him on 5 occasions.Last time I contacted him was 9 days ago,he always replies,but nothing since.he said he is flat out with work,which I know is true,but can’t he just text and say a quick hi sometimes?so,I’m leaving it as in no contact at all,21 days to go.This happened once before,he got hold of me after about 10 days and asked if i was ok,and had I lost interest or something else?(exact words).I hope I’m doing the right thing here,I have fallen for him,but I’m not willing to chase.I am trying to keep myself busy with other stuff.

    • web admin

      web admin

      January 25, 2018 at 9:15 pm

      Your actions have likely caused his thoughts and feelings for you to alter. He may no longer be interested in developing a relationship with you. Take this time to determine what you want for your future. If you want to nourish this relationship, then speak directly and honestly with him about your thoughts and feelings. Have a great day, Vi!

  5. Lisa

    January 13, 2018 at 3:27 am

    Hi Ive dated my ex for 4 years, we’ve had broken up before where whenever things got to hard or the pressure was too much he would throw in the towel, but we would get back together later. I’m confused how I should proceed? Because he is the type even during our relationship doesn’t care much for texting. For example, he could go on a week with out knowing I texting him if I didn’t mentioned it, but because I cared about to a certain degree and if it was important enough he would message or would send random text here and there. As of now, I’m conflicted between the rule and not to use it because there has been others that suggested guys would think that means your not into them anymore after a week of this and moves on. But I didn’t do the breaking….sooooo?

    • web admin

      web admin

      January 13, 2018 at 5:41 pm

      Do not concern yourself with this rule. If you do not want to nourish a relationship with this person, then do not reach out to him or spend time with him. Take this time to determine what you want for your future. If you want to attempt to salvage this relationship, then speak directly and honestly with him about your thoughts and feelings. Have a great day, Lisa!

  6. Daisyboo

    January 9, 2018 at 2:51 am

    This guy I’ve been dating for seven months has suddenly become really busy and started making broken promises. Every time I confront him and suggest we take a break to figure out what we really want he tries to convince me to stay and that he is interested but still has no time for me smh. I recently asked him to do a simple task and he took forever to reply and even answer my calls so I expressed that I am fed up of his ways toward me. I blocked him on everything. It’s been a day of NC I wonder how long it will take for him to even notice that I’m gone?

    • web admin

      web admin

      January 10, 2018 at 12:56 pm

      You have blocked him and are no longer interested in developing a relationship with him. Allow your thoughts of him to fade, as he is no longer in your life. If he reaches out to you, then treat him with kindness and compassion. There is no reason to attempt to nourish a relationship with him. Have a great day, Daisy!

  7. Veronica

    December 10, 2017 at 6:43 am

    Dated a guy for about eight months. I broke up with him because he lied to me, I believe throughout the entire relationship. He told me that he and his ex of two years broke up a few months back and he had no dealings with her & vise versa. However I discovered that this was a lie because I snooped at her Instagram account (intuition) and saw although she claimed to be single had recent pics with backgrounds I was familiar with (his home & car). They are obviously still seeing each other but in private. I confronted him but he still has not admitted to anything yet, instead he ignores my text. I am beyond broken. I blocked him on every social media platform after not getting some answers (this was a about a week of finding out everything). He told me that he would talk to me about what happened, claimed I deserved closure (this is before I blocked him but he never did).

    • web admin

      web admin

      December 10, 2017 at 6:33 pm

      You have decided to end this relationship and stop communicating with him. He has chosen to disrespect you and lie to you. There is no reason to continue to nourish this relationship. Focus your social and emotional attention on the people who are currently in your life. There is no reason to speak with him any more. Have a great day, Veronica!

  8. Vivian

    July 19, 2017 at 1:31 pm

    I’m following the No Contact rule for a week now. That’s not what is killing me. The thing that killing me is he cheated on me, betrayed me to be with my sister, and my sister believe him.
    Seeing them flirting with each other, having fun with each other making me so miserable and very very difficult for me to forget him.
    What should I do?

    • web admin

      web admin

      July 19, 2017 at 8:17 pm

      Your relationship has finished. Do not reach out to him, as there is no reason to continue your relationship with him. There is no reason to speak with your sister at this time. When their relationship ends, then you may choose to develop your relationship with her again at this time. Take this time to look inward and determine what your want for your future. Have a great day, Vivian!

  9. Alex

    July 7, 2017 at 6:34 am

    Hi,
    My ex and I just recently broke up a month ago. Since things ended we really didn’t talk much, just texted about returning personal items and I actually texted him about 2 weeks ago to discuss the exact reasonings behind our breakup. He was kind and responded to me, but was somewhat short. I said at the end of our exchange that I wouldn’t bother him again. He goes away to college but he’s home for the summer right now. The biggest reason we ended things was because of the distance and the fact that his life at school was becoming more important than our relationship. I still have hope that we can work things out and I don’t plan on contacting him again. In my situation do you think the no contact rule will affect him contacting me? I still have hope for us, even if it’s after we both graduate. But for now, if I stick to not texting him, do you think theres any chance this no contact will work and he will want to talk before he leaves for school? Or will he continue to keep no contact maybe because he doesn’t want to start things up right before he leaves? Any ideas?

    • web admin

      web admin

      July 7, 2017 at 7:10 pm

      It sounds as though you have an excellent plan. Your relationship is over, so there is no reason to contact him. If he reaches out to you, then speak with him if you want to. There is no reason for you to develop a new relationship with him. If you do not let him into your life, then you will not have to deal with him. Have a great day, Alex!

  10. Yanzypie

    June 3, 2017 at 8:13 pm

    Dated this guy for 2 and a half months, two weeks into it I found out he had just came out of a 3 year relationship and he has a daughter who is a year old. He pursued me and did everything to convince me that he wanted to be with me but needed time as he just came out of a relationship. 7 days ago I ended it with him because he said the dreaded words “I’m not ready to get back into a relationship” as well as he would dissapear certain nights and his phone would be off saying that his battery died and that he was out with the guys. He never wants to make plans in advance with me but yet still he makes plans with his friends in advance if that is what he is doing with his weekends. something tells me he may not be over his ex as he says he is and that is understandable but I just didnt want to waste anymore time as he has already expressed what he wants well so to speak. I miss him and I’m trying not to cave in and contact him.

    Part of me feels like maybe I should have waited longer to see if he changed his mind but I know better than that. He probably just does not want a relationship with me or still not over his ex or both. It really hurts. So far tom will be day 7 of NC and I have not heard from him, probably never would. did I do the right thing?

    • web admin

      web admin

      June 5, 2017 at 1:59 pm

      You did the right thing. There is no reason to contact him because you are not interested in developing a relationship with him. Take this time to determine what you want for your future without him. Allow thoughts of him to fade into the past. Have a great day, Yanzypie!

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