Dating German Men

By on March 10, 2015






Dating can be confusing as it is, so when you add dating someone from a different culture it can get downright crazy. There are, of course, ways to navigate the waters, communication being the main one. Below you will find some cultural differences that may pop up when dating German men and also some general advice on how to deal with cultural differences.

He May Not Chat You Up

In America it’s common to walk up to someone and start talking randomly, in Germany less so. It’s not that the Germans don’t talk, but they tend to stick to themselves unless they are at a party or some other social gathering where the purpose is to meet new and old friends. So if you spot a hot guy in the supermarket and want to make contact, you will most likely have to do the talking and he may even get confused as to why you are talking to him.

Because of this you might find German men to be a bit shy as they are not as used to randomly talking to strangers. However, it’s not so much about being shy as it’s about it simply not being a custom. They don’t usually know how to walk up to strangers and start conversations as they haven’t witnessed it happening around them. This may also be why they like getting drunk and partying…

Chit Chatting Isn’t the Norm

In America it’s more common to approach people randomly and also to talk about random things. Everyone here tends to ask how you are doing and have a little chat with you without for that matter actually wanting to make friends with you. In Germany people tend to talk to make friends. This means they get into much deeper discussions and they will reply with a lot more candor to your questions. If you ask them how they are doing they will assume you ask as you want to know, not to be polite. Likewise, if you talk to them they will assume you do so because you want to get to know them, not because you are being polite (unless you are left alone with them in an uncomfortable situation, of course). They will also most likely end the conversation if they aren’t enjoying it.

Because they don’t chit chat as much, Germans might come across as more reserved. However, if you take the time to get to know them, they will open up to you.

If You Ask Their Opinion, Chances Are You Will Get It

Whilst Americans like glossing things over, Germans are much more to the point. So if you ask if that dress looks good on you, they will answer.

Dating Isn’t the Same Concept as in America

In America there are general rules for dating – you meet someone, you ask for their number or Facebook, or ask them out. Then you go for a couple of dates, eventually kiss and by the third to fifth date sex enters the picture, unless you express you want to wait further, but are still interested. Sex doesn’t mean you are in a relationship with them though, it doesn’t even mean you are exclusive. In Germany on the other hand, you don’t really date. You hang out with someone if you like them and if you get romantically involved you become a couple by default, which means you are pretty exclusive. It’s not necessarily a serious relationship , but you are trying out what it’s like being a couple, as opposed to trying out dating five different people simultaneously.

If you want to see others and not get exclusive, you have to talk to the guy about this from get-go or he will think you are messing around with him, unless, of course, he lives in America and is used to the scene over here.

Paying the Bill

Women in Germany often have careers of their own and don’t expect a man to pay the bill for them, nor do the guys expect to have to pay. Of course, some men are a bit more old-fashioned, but chances are he will expect you split the bill. If he is a student or has a job that doesn’t pay very much, he might even count on it.

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Likewise, don’t expect him t pay for drinks at the bar if you meet him when out and about.

What to Bear in Mind

dating German men

There are, of course, always exceptions to the norm and you might meet a German guy in America who is totally into the dating scene here, or he might have different views on dating and relationship than most Germans. The best thing to do is to ask.

In general, you have to talk in a friendly (not accusing) manner about things you find peculiar, or things you expect to happen that aren’t happening. Relationships are give and take and you will have to learn to adjust to how you both see dating.

Most cultural differences between Americans and Germans are minor and not big deal breakers (though the exclusivity thing might be), but it’s important to keep an open dialogue and build a relationship founded on trust where you feel free to share your thoughts with one another.

1507760_10152392614860079_8379465670289960282_n copy 2By Maria Montgomery – Maria is a freelance writer, director and social entrepreneur. She’s also the spokesperson for The Little Angels Community Center and an avid blogger. You can find her somewhere between Cape Town, London and L.A., where you will most likely find her in the hills, looking out over the city she loves. @OhMyMontgomery





25 Comments

  1. Archii

    June 19, 2017 at 2:19 pm

    Hi
    Nice article. I am an Indian girl . Living in India . Recently got a Facebook request from a German guy who stays near my place in India. He is here for work .He flirt sometimes and sometimes he doesn’t .He wants to meet.he even asked if I am single and finds me cute.i am planning to meet him over weekend or so but I am not sure if it will be a date or casual meet? If you can help with few tips or do’s and don’t’s while I meet him ?

    Thanks in advance

    • web admin

      web admin

      June 19, 2017 at 3:33 pm

      Every person is different, though there are some ways to influence your budding relationship in a positive way. Be yourself, so if you want to dress casual, then do so. Speak directly and honestly with him about your feelings, as honestly is appreciated by every person of every culture. Allow him to speak his mind as well, and learn how to navigate any cultural differences that the two of you may have. Have a great day, Archii!

      • Archii

        June 20, 2017 at 7:09 am

        Thank you so much. The more I talk to him , I find him very charming and nice guy. I hope I feel the same when I meet him . Thank you for your reply .😊

        • web admin

          web admin

          June 20, 2017 at 5:42 pm

          It is great that the two of you are having excellent conversations. Have a great day, Archii!

  2. Mollie

    February 22, 2017 at 3:59 pm

    I live with a German guy, the first day I moved in I knew I liked him. It’s just him and I living together and everyday I can’t wait to see him. I open up to him like no one else and he tells me everything too. We’ve been having meals out together and going to bars. Our knees will touch and neither of us will pull away. It feels like we are practically in a relationship. We even cuddle on the couch and have tickle fights, sometimes we flirt like mad. Every night could turn into something more but he just gets up and goes to bed. I’ve been living with him for over a month and a half. I tend to make the first move with guys but don’t want to pressure him. Do you think this is just typical of German guys? Is there a way I can find out how he feels without playing games?

    • web admin

      web admin

      February 23, 2017 at 11:30 am

      He is not playing games with you. He likely has an interest in developing a relationship with you. He is likely confused or concerned about your feelings for him. He may be concerned that if he makes the first move that he will be rejected. You should make the first move. Take whatever action you are comfortable with taking at this time. He will respond in a positive manner. Best of luck, Mollie!

      • Mollie

        February 24, 2017 at 1:34 am

        Thank you

  3. Sara

    January 28, 2017 at 2:58 pm

    Hoping to see if any advice on my situation…
    A bit over a year ago I met a german guy on my New Years trip. We met at a beer garden and we talked for an hour or two and just as he was about to leave I asked if we could be facebook friends since i would be leaving back to america soon. He agreed, and when we became facebook friends we started messaging on messenger we talked for about 4 months on there daily it was a continuing conversation. In the sense of no hi or bye, good morning or good night ect. just replying off the previous day topic. sometimes he reply a couple of times a day sometimes just once and sometimes ever once a week. That definitely kinda annoyed me so i finally told him “he didnt have to reply if he didn’t want to talk to me” He apologized and said it was because messenger didnt really worked for him and he suggested WhatsApp to talk to each other. once we started talking on WhatsApp he got a little more attentive at 1st but then he went to replying only once a day again so i started doing the same… after 2 months of that he stopped replying. So in all we had continuing conversations for 6 months…. I would also like to mention that my texting style is i only reply if you message or reply to me i just feel like i bother them… i mimic how people are towards me in a way .. so it was always he sends one i send one.. okay moving on .. after about 2 months of not talking but me still being pretty into him i decided to add him on snapchat since i had his number…when he accepted he messaged me and started talking like normal and said it had been awhile, he started snaping me once in awhile about what he was doing and i did the same… and again at first there were a couple of message exchanges at the beginning but after awhile we were back to one reply him, one reply me per day … and that actually dosent bother me anymore.. we are countries away and he has his life going on as do I… occasionally he wont reply until the next day ex. replays Monday and replays on Wednesday … this does tend to bother me because i know he has been online on Tuesday since whatapp shows when someone has last been online.

    I know all this is a jumbled mess but that is our jumbled mess backstory, with horrible grammar structure. (Sorry about that) The point after all that is that we have been talking a bit more than a year now.
    There are days when he gets a little flirty with me and days when he just comes off as cold, but its a txt so thats complicated to say. I am not looking for a long distance relationship at the moment but i do care about him enough to want something a little more serious with him in the future. Since, I am planing to move to Spain in a year and we be much closer than now. He has become an important person to me and I just wish I knew if he has genuine feelings for me, or if he even cares for me in the sense I do. I just freak out and feel he still talks to me out of politeness. Our conversation isnt centered in “us” or relationship things but random fun things about life and nothing and everything. I love that in the long run i want a relationship with my best friend not just something filled with lust. I just do not want to keep hoping for something with him, if he doesnt care. I havent asked him directly because if he doesnt see me as something more than i friend. i wouldnt like to ruin what we have. so im just trying to decode.

    • web admin

      web admin

      January 29, 2017 at 12:24 pm

      If you do not want to establish a long distance relationship with him, then do not concern yourself about his slow replies. If you want to become closer to him, then put in the effort that is needed. You may find that your relationship will continue hitting a wall unless one of you takes action to visit the other. Your best option is to attempt to see him again. Best of luck, Sara!

  4. Chloe

    December 11, 2016 at 7:26 pm

    I need some kind insights/help from fellow readers please.

    I have been talking to a German guy for almost two months and we finally went out. Things were going very well and we met every week consistently for three weeks and he expressed his interest for me throughout. We also started holding hands. The first time he kissed me, he was very adorable and polite as he asked if it was alright for him to kiss me. He also actively texted me his location when he was traveling out of town for work. However we are not big fan of texting so we don’t exchange texts every other minute but would text everyday just to say our greetings. I like him a lot as he is always genuine and kind. But after the third date (after he tried to crack a really dry joke to inform me that he is back in town and I replied with sarcasm because he unknowingly offended me), he stopped texting me actively.

    So I decided to text him first for the first time to ask when he wanted to hang out again. He gave me a smiley when he received my text but told me he was busy over the weekend. He did explain in detail (who bothers to explain in detail if they are not interested?) what exactly he was busy with eg “so sorry *inserts my name, I needed the whole day to clean up my room and do etc”, I found his replies to be sincere but however not sure if that is because he was just being polite in rejection because he did not exactly replied to my question about when he was free to hang out again. The female hormonal side of me also thinks that something is wrong since he doesn’t text his goodnights to me anymore haha!

    I would really appreciate any form of insights from fellow readers. Thank you!

    • web admin

      web admin

      December 12, 2016 at 9:40 am

      Keep acting like you normally would and give it a week to see if things return to normal. If he is still distant after a week, then he may be moving on. If he returns to normal within the week, then he was probably just busy and was being completely genuine about it. Don’t panic yet, act like normal and see what happens. Good luck!

      • Chloe

        December 12, 2016 at 4:15 pm

        Thank you Maria. I was thinking if I should text him to clear the air about how he unknowingly offended me and see if there is any misunderstanding. If he actually moved on then at least I don’t have to ponder and wonder what went wrong.

        • web admin

          web admin

          December 13, 2016 at 1:08 pm

          If you feel like it would be best to clear the air, then do so. If you find that he is interested in talking with you at that time, then do what you feel is right. It is often helpful to have closure, as your questions may stop bothering you at that time. Remain positive as you move forward. Best of luck, Chloe!

  5. Southerngrl

    February 15, 2016 at 8:50 am

    Thank you Maria!!! Yes I am willing to take the risk with him. Can’t wait to see how it goes. I’m patient so only time will tell and distance (lol)

    • web admin

      web admin

      February 15, 2016 at 8:59 am

      Good luck! 🙂 I’ll keep my fingers crossed for you!

  6. Southerngrl

    February 15, 2016 at 3:46 am

    Thank you for your reply. Absolutely! he knows I will make time for him no matter how busy I am. So my work, school, etc is not a problem. I told him I’m flexible to make time for him. If he was to tell me today he want me to fly to see him for the weekend I’m already planning it to leave out that Friday. The thing is he is also busy too (feels like he’s more busier than me) but he still replies back to me right away. He’s really comfortable around me and a gentleman. Just that I’m so use to my culture that I’m use to hearing I miss you, etc. so when he don’t say those things it kind of make me feel as maybe I like him more than he does with me. So I became distant at one point because of listening to one of my friends but she advised because we are long distances from one another than he is probably doing his thing while I’m here in the south just waiting. Usually one would say go with your intuition on how you feel. I just feel calm and at ease with no worries. If he didn’t like me like that would he have said it already? I’m not going to lie I did fall for him and being very patient. I told him yesterday happy valentines day. His reply was “happy Valentine’s Day sweetie”. It truly made my day.

    • web admin

      web admin

      February 15, 2016 at 8:40 am

      If he did not like you, he probably would not have said “Happy Valentine’s Day, sweetie”. From the sound of his behavior and texts, it seems like he most likely likes you. As long as you are okay with the long distance aspect and the long wait for his return, go ahead and be in the relationship. You will never know what could be possible unless you take that risk, and it seems like he could like you. Good luck, Southerngrl!

  7. Southerngrl

    February 13, 2016 at 3:49 pm

    I met a German guy at a friends party here in the US. He started talking to me first which I was the one shy there until my friend and her spouse came. We chatted up a bit and exchanged numbers. Later that night we went out to end our friend party with a bang. While talking and such he said that someone thought we were dating (by the way we were conversating you would have thought we’ve known each other for years but that was the first time meeting). We danced and then he walked me outside and kissed me. My heart started racing! Never had that happen before. Our friend was looking for us so we walked back inside. I was so fluttered that I decided to leave. He ran back out to stop me and said he was sorry (I guess he wanted to spend time with me but cause of our friend it was just a crazy night). I left with a smile. Next day he text me. We talked and met later that night but just to see each other because he was leaving to go back up north (Still in the US). We kept in touch but since he works a lot (3 jobs) we would text. Next month I made plans to visit and I went, he picked me up, stayed with him, enjoyed everything! When I left he gave me a hug and a kiss bye. However I’m becoming busy with work and now I’m back studying but I would text him and he would reply back right away. I usually initiate the messages. Well one day I decided to tell him how I felt which is I want to be with him but given the fact we are far from each other and our personal lives it’s difficult. He didn’t say anything. Not even as I see you as a friend. Maybe he is just shy when it comes to expressing his feeling and more of as let me show you kind of person. The last thing he wrote when I said have a good night Hun he said good night sweetie sleep tight. Made me feel special but is this the norm or should I just say screw it and just look at it as I’m just a friend or he just like me but not how I like him.

    • web admin

      web admin

      February 14, 2016 at 5:30 pm

      If he did like you, hearing that you are too busy for a relationship may have stopped his interest in you. He may think you were trying to brush him off and let him own easy, or he may just realize that a relationship is not possible right now. It is also possible that he realized by reading that message that you like him, and he feels uncomfortable about leading you on. Any option seems possible right now, although it seems most likely that he is interested. Getting along with you that well, texting all the time and trying to spend more time with you are all signs that he likes you. Nothing is for sure, but it seems possible. If you do like him, would you be able to date him considering how busy you are?

  8. Xcarl

    December 29, 2015 at 4:05 pm

    Ijust meet a moth ago a German guy and we did have a good connection. But Is because some strange stuff happened
    Wenh he looked me for the fist time he just frizzy and could dont talk he said that he just enjoyed looking at me And he stay 1:145 minuts just looking me
    Is it normal
    1 hour and 45 minut .lol
    But today he saying that hes is not in the mood to smiling
    Sad and i fell horrible
    He said that in so beautiful and he only want to look me
    I dont show my body to no man unless he is my fiance…i just like him so much ..i do like him

    • web admin

      web admin

      January 3, 2016 at 2:11 am

      All you have described is that he looks at you for long periods of time. Does your relationship go past that? Have you ever gone on a date, had a long conversation or really talked about what you guys want in life? If you think that he likes you (and he is obviously physically attracted to you, at least), then why don’t you ask him on a date and get to know him better? You will never find out if your connection is truly real unless you explore it and get to know him better.

  9. Julia

    August 27, 2015 at 6:42 am

    Hi Maria,
    Thank you for responding back to me. Sorry I took so long in getting back to you. But you are so right about everything, he told me what was bothering him was his family and that why he pull back.
    I feel he work hard at wooing me and now he feels that he has me and we are making long term plans he does not need to do the same thing as earlier on when we started to speak.
    My birthday was a week ago and he send me a recording singing me Happy Birthday, I think that was so sweet of him. And from what I read about German Guys that is a lot of what I am receiving from him. Also I have to keep in mind we are from different cultures, I am British and he is German and I live in the US working, and the men here are different than Germans.
    I am learning about Germans Guys, he always let me know when he has to go out with friends or family or to a party. But you are so right when you tell me that in a long distance relationship, you have to assume the best always, so what I’m doing if I do not hear from him I would reach out and text him. Things went back to normal with us, and then he started back to pull back but this time he told me he had problems but did not want to put anything on me, because I work and travel a lot and my job is stressful. So I am letting have his space, I did not hear from him yesterday so I text him at night time my time and a couple hours late he text me back greeting me darling and he misses me so much.
    For me I had to get use to him being German because American Guys tells you a lot of things they do not mean. And I had to get use to German Guys mean what they say. I had ask him recently if he still wanted me to move in and he did not hesitate he said yes.
    I am in the Washington D.C. area. And I see you are in the West Cost Area. Are you British also? I prefer to date European Guys over American that is just my preference. One of my friends had call him to find out about Germany she is planning to move there, she said he was so shy he would just chuckle when she told him thanks for making my friend happy and that she loves you. She said he sounded head over heels over me. I told her in general they say German guys are shy, but he was not shy with me. I notice German guys are not that talkative as American or British Guys. I talk a lot sometimes, he mention once to me that women talk a lot and I ask him if I did he said no, but I know I do I am a Lawyer, we tend to talk a lot :}
    I want to thank you for encouraging me to keep my chin up and being so positive. I am doing so, because I have fallen in love with this handsome German Guy, he also has fallen for me.
    Thank You.

    Best Regards,
    Julia

    • web admin

      web admin

      August 27, 2015 at 7:15 pm

      I am so glad that everything is working out for you, Julia! Long distance relationships are difficult, but it makes it easier if you just assume the best–which is even easier since you have already found someone that you trust. Good luck on your relationship, and it is great to hear back about how everything is going! 🙂

  10. Julia

    August 5, 2015 at 5:32 pm

    Hi Maria,
    Thank you for the article you wrote about German guys. I met a German guy online. I live in the US but I am from the Uk. We have been talking everyday through texting and phone calls, he is very sweet we have been talking about month now. I am planning to move back to the Uk but he is studying he told me he can not move anywhere until he is finish with his studies which would be in another two and half years. I told him that is ok. H e ask if I can move in with him, and I know this is a big step for a German guy. I told him I would love to but have to work out details about my job I travel for work all over the world. He told me he has told his family about me and his friends.
    A few days ago he started to pull back so I came out and told if he was tired talking with me be upfront and let me know and in the event I would not bother him, he text back telling me no darling he just got busy I was on phone with a friend. He call seven times so when I got off I call him he did not say much about why he change or address what I wrote. So I left it alone the next day same thing he normally would send me a text in the morning no text. he sent a picture of himself later on in the day and told me he misses me, and that was it. So later on I text him he did not answer right away he eventually did and I and we text and then we spoke on the phone I had a long talk with him letting him no matter I would be there for him in his corner and he can speak to me about anything that is bothering him, he said something to do with his family and work. He said he was not sure about things in his life, so I ask him if it was me he was not sure about he told me that was the one thing he was sure about.
    We have both fallen for one another but the next day he still acting distance towards me so I texting him letting him know I am here for him if he needed me to talk with, and let him have his space. So he is not texting the way he use to so and yesterday I left him alone and after 12 his time I receive a text from him saying he loves me. I answer him back we exchange a few texts then I ask if I can call him but instead he call me right away he sounded depress and tired we spoke for about 10 minutes, and he fell asleep on me so I hang up and this morning when I woke he greet me with good morning but I was busy with work so I did not text back right away so he send a text a couple hours after saying he miss me so much. But I could tell he is still in a depress mode and not himself I text him letting him know that I am her for him unconditional and that I miss him to and put a smiley face and he question the type of smiley face I put on the text. He seems touchy still and I don”t know what to make out this I need help on this I have a lot of feeling for him and have fallen for him.

    Thank you
    Julia

    • web admin

      web admin

      August 6, 2015 at 6:20 pm

      If he is just busy and stressed from school/work/family, then he could be feeling touchy because you keep asking him if things are okay with your relationship. Right now, it sounds like he just needs space and he is doing his best to balance everything. If he says that he loves you and has asked you to move in with him, then trust him. It seems like he has been fairly straightforward about what he wants to this point, so just trust him when he tells you that he is trying to get everything figured out. In a long distance relationship, you have to just assume the best always because it is so easy to misinterpret a forgotten text, a misspoken word or a tired phone call. Keep your chin up and assume the best! Good luck!

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