The No Contact Rule: Everything You Need to Know About it
After a big breakup with your ex, the first thing you’ll probably want to do is never talk to them again. Then about a half hour later – after all the rage has dissipated – you just want to hear their voice again and you can’t keep away.
However, talking with your ex so much can actually be a really harmful thing for you to do. If you ever hope to get back together with your ex, then you have to follow the no contact rule perfectly. Otherwise, you may end up sabotaging your chances.
What is the No Contact Rule?
For those of you that have been fortunate enough to never have to wander upon a technique like this when trying to get your ex back, then I’ll shed some light on what exactly this method for getting your ex back is.
Basically, it’s just how it sounds. You cannot contact your ex in any way whatsoever. You have absolutely NO CONTACT with them for at LEAST 30 days before opening up to them and trying to mend your relationship.
Now, you may think that leaving them a little note somewhere they’ll find it still qualifies as “no contact”, but you’re wrong. These are the very strict rules you’ll have to follow.
- No calling.
- No texting.
- No voicemails.
- No snapchats.
- No commenting/liking social media updates.
- No leaving notes.
- No “accidentally” bumping into them out and about.
- No posting ABOUT them.
- No talking to their friends to get information about them.
- NO CONTACT WHATSOEVER
How Does it Work?
The idea behind the no contact rule is that by limiting your contact with your ex, you both will have time to think and reflect over everything. You’ll be able to discover what was really troubling about your relationship and if you really want to be with the other person.
Sometimes when you have someone around you all the time it’s really difficult to get a fresh perspective on the situation. Their opinions and actions can influence your feelings so you have to step away from all of that for a while in order to think for yourself.
Making the No Contact Rule Easier
This is going to be a difficult time, that’s for sure. It won’t be easy to not talk to or see someone that you’re used to seeing and talking to ALL the time. There’s an adjustment period that takes place before it becomes natural. These are some of the things you can do during this time to make it much easier.
- Don’t be alone.
The worst thing you can do at such a fragile time like this is be alone. If you isolate yourself from a lot of people you’re going to just sit and think about your ex and how much you wish they were with you. If you can be with someone at all times – other than sleeping, of course – then do it.
- Don’t watch romantic movies.
I know that romance movies are exactly what you WANT to be watching right now, but they’re the last thing you should be spending your time watching. If you see all of the “couples” so in love you’ll be envious of their romance and want it for yourself. That will prompt you to reach out to your ex and try to make amends before your 30 days of the no contact rule is up. Avoid those movies. Those romances aren’t real.
- Don’t scroll through their social media.
Another thing that will make you miss them and want to reach out is scrolling through all the pictures and updates on their social media. Seeing what they’re up to is a bad idea because you might see something that you won’t like. You have to completely detach yourself from seeing anything they may update. Unfollow or block them until the 30 days is up if you’re scared about seeing their posts pop up on your own news feed.
- Don’t look at pictures of the two of you.
I’m sure you have dozens of pictures of the two of you on your phone – if your angry phase didn’t end in you deleting all of them. Honestly, before you start your no contact rule, I would upload them from your phone to a computer and then delete them all so you can’t have immediate access to them. If you look at the pictures you’ll get nostalgic and want to get back with your ex right away – something that can’t happen successfully without the no contact rule.
- Start a new hobby.
With not having someone to keep you busy all the time, you can start a new hobby! There has to be something that you’ve always wanted to do but never had the time for. By starting a new hobby you’re allowing yourself to enjoy something that has absolutely nothing to do with your ex. You’ll have time to yourself to be happy and enjoy yourself without him – a very powerful lesson everyone has to learn no matter what their relationship status is.
- Get out of the house.
Don’t sit around inside sulking all the darn time. If you don’t ever get out and about you’re going to wallow I your misery and that will make not talking to your ex REALLY hard. If you spend time out and about you’ll see how much easier it will be to stay distracted and not talk to them. Being out in the fresh air will also help you think and process your relationship so you can go back to it with fresh eyes and make the right choices.
- Reconnect with friends.
I’m sure there are a few friends that went off the radar when you ended up with your significant other – like what happens with most. The truth is that not all of our friends can handle when you don’t have enough time for them and you may have even made the mistake of ignoring your friends for your new relationship. Reach out to those friends and apologize and try to reconnect with them. It’s important to have a support system of understanding friends if you want your no contact rule month to go by smoothly.
- Go to the gym.
I’m not telling you to go get in the best shape of your life within a month. That’s just won’t happen. But chances are you’re going to be feeling down and sad during the month of no contact and going to the gym can not only increase your self-esteem, but the endorphins will raise your mood a lot. You’ll also be distracted during this time by being buys with the workout so you won’t have time to think about your ex.
- Get a fresh haircut.
Some people say it’s a bad idea to change your appearance after a breakup, but I think it’s a great idea. When you get out of a relationship you pretty much feel like a different person, so why not look like someone new, too? You can just trim it up and add some layers or you can get a more dramatic cut that will make you feel refreshed and new again. You may even find some confidence after having it taken away with the breakup.
- Buy some “reward” outfits/things.
Each week you succeed in your no contact rule, go out and splurge a little bit on yourself. Looking forward to your next little – or big – purchase for yourself can motivate you to stick to the rules and not talk to your ex at all. These can be outfits, jewelry, a video game, or anything that you’ve been wanting but haven’t taken the plunge to purchase.
What to do if You Break the Rules
Sometimes it might be just too much for you and you may give in and make contact in some way. Now, just because you did it once doesn’t mean your no contact period is over. Here’s how you can still follow this rule even after you’ve broken it.
- You have to start over.
There’s a reason the no contact rule is a month long. It’ll take a month for you to get used to not having your ex around and a month for you to get back into the groove of having your own life. Both of those things are vital for renewing your relationship if you hope to get back with your ex. So if you break down and initiate contact, you have to start over and have another 30 days of no contact.
- Stay out of the situation that made you want to contact them.
What was it you were doing that made you reach out to them? Were you looking at their pictures? Driving past their house? Whatever it was, you have to avoid being in that situation again. Obviously, it made you weak and you failed to follow the rules. The best way to prevent it from happening again is to avoid being in that situation again until your 30 days are up.
- Go over WHY you’re doing it.
Some people make it a couple weeks and then forget why it is they’re going through with the no contact method. This makes them weak and they’ll give in by contacting their ex. If you want to reassure that you don’t do it again, always remind yourself of why you’re doing it. You’re doing it to get back together with your ex and have a happy and successful relationship. If you fail the no contact rule, you may fail the relationship…again.
What if They Contact Me?
The truth is that maybe your ex can’t handle the no contact period. Maybe they get desperate and need to hear your voice, see you, or even get a text from you. This can be very, very hard for you and you may feel bad when you hear from them.
The trick to making the no contact rule work even if they reach out to you is to just ignore them. You can’t reply at all or you’ll have to start the whole thing over. I suggest even blocking their number for the 30 days it’s happening so you can’t even be tempted by them.
The Benefits of the No Contact Rule
Some of you may be thinking that no good can come from distancing yourself from someone that you want to get back together with, but there is. These are all the valuable reasons you have to stick with the no contact rule.
- You get a fresh perspective.
The biggest benefit of the no contact rule is that you’ll get a fresh perspective on the relationship and your ex. The truth is that a lot of us are influenced GREATLY by our significant other. Seeing them and talking to them can change how you feel about them momentarily and you may forgive things that you should never forgive just because you’re overwhelmed by their presence. By completely the no contact rule you’ll be free to think for yourself without their influence at all.
- You learn to miss each other.
When was the last time you spent a decent amount of time away from your significant other? Chances are, you haven’t. Every successful relationship has to have the feeling of missing each other in order to be successful. Without spending that time apart, you never truly get to appreciate their presence and how much you like having them around. By not contacting them for 30 days, you’ll truly see what value they add to your life and you’ll learn to appreciate them more – both of which can make for a successful relationship.
- You reconnect with friends.
This is a huge benefit. Many people seem to just forget about their friends when they get into a relationship and get overwhelmed with their new love interest. By going through with the no contact rule for 30 days you’ll be able to rekindle the friendships that were lost. You’ll be surprised how much you truly miss your friends when your ex isn’t around for company.
- You’ll rebuild a support system.
Another powerful benefit of going through with this is the support system that you will build again. There’s no doubt that you’ll seek out help from someone that you can talk to about your problems and that might be friends that you’ve not really talked to lately because of your ex. Rebuilding a support system will aid in your relationship when you get back together because you’ll have unbiased people to help you with the troubles you’ll face.
- You’ll get to analyze your feelings in peace.
Like I mentioned before, being able to think clearly without your ex influencing you is a very, very good thing that can help your relationship when you get back together.
What if You HAVE to Contact Them?
Depending on your situation, you may have no choice but to be in contact with them. If you have a child together, if you share a vehicle, even if you two have a dog together you’ll have to talk to them at some point. Here’s how to keep the no contact rule when you’re required to contact them.
- ONLY talk for that specific reason.
Don’t use your reason for forced communication as an excuse to talk to them whenever you want. ONLY make contact with them if you have to speak about your situation and nothing else. Don’t just text them and use your reason as a means to start a new conversation.
- NO arguing.
Arguing is completely off the table. If you want to make the no contact rule work like it’s intended to, then you can’t be throwing out arguments here and there. If they start arguing with you, walk away without a word.
- NO talking about the relationship at all.
Another no-no is bringing up your relationship status at all. Both of you should know that your current status is not together and the no contact rule. You can’t even talk about the no contact rule. You should never discuss anything having to do with your relationship at all.
Some people may not believe that the no contact rule works, but there is overwhelming evidence that supports it. Have you ever tried this method to get back with an ex? How did it work for you?