Ways to Fix a Tumultuous Relationship with Your Boyfriend
Are you in a tumultuous relationship? Are there ups and downs, arguments and make-up gifts/sex, lots of passion and then no contact? Most relationships come with a little bit of tumult, but if there’s a lot going on it can hurt both you, your partner and the overall relationship.
If you are in a relationship with a lot of ups and downs you need to do an inventory to check how it makes your feel and where the problem(s) lie, so that you can fix it/them, or move onto greener fields.
If you’d like to fix things, have a look at the tips below. Also, in the end there are some thoughts on when it’s really time to leave if things don’t get worked out.
Soothe Their Soul with Compliments
Many times we act out when we don’t feel loved. In turn, the other person acts out and we prove to ourselves just how unloved we are…
To break this pattern you can start making someone feel loved. One easy way is to compliment them. For the next month, make sure to compliment your lover/partner at least three times a week for different things. One compliment for their personality, one compliment for their skills, one compliment for their looks, one compliment for something they do towards you, once compliment for how hot/sexy they are and so forth.
At the same time as you do this, make a conscious decision to stop putting your partner down. Instead praise them when they do what you like. Funnily enough, this tends to bring about a lot better results. For example, instead of nagging someone for not taking the rubbish out (to use a cliché), kiss them when they do. They will want to do it again! And when your friends are joking about the bad qualities of their partners, change the topic and talk about something you love about your guy.
By shifting the focus of your relationship, your relationship changes.
Take a Step Back
Sometimes things turn tumultuous because you overdo it. Instead, focus on yourself first. Don’t spend every night together (unless you live together), don’t text all the time, don’t focus all your energy on the relationship. Try to space things out. And as you do, focus on yourself. Make sure you have time alone, as well as with friends. Do things that make you feel good, like looking after your health and focusing on taking steps towards your goals. Put yourself in the center of the universe, instead of your relationship.
This way you will have time to center yourself, which will prevent you from being swept away by any drama in your relationship. And if you take time to love yourself and stand centered, chances are you won’t blow your fuse as fast either. If your boyfriend provokes you, you will step away from it instead of engage with it. Most of us, when we are happy, refuse to engage in drama, or at the very least, are less likely to do so and less affected by it as we view it as nonsense instead of getting caught up in it.
Spend Quality Time Together
Instead of meeting at 9pm on a Thursday night when you’re both tired and have to be up at six the next morning, meet when you’re both relaxed and truly have time to meet.
We all become grumpy when we’re tired (or haven’t eaten) and it’s not an ideal time to meet up with someone as you’re emotionally vulnerable (note: when having PMS it’s definitively not a good idea to meet up either!) and likely to snap.
Likewise, on days when you are stressed because, really, you don’t have time to meet up as you should have been resting, have work to prepare, or only have thirty minutes to spare when you know your boyfriend wants to see you for at least two hours, you aren’t going to be calm and relaxed. What’s more, you might feel aggressive as you know that truly, you shouldn’t be there and you take it out on him.
Meet when you are relaxed and can truly focus on each other.
Spoil Each Other
Take turns coming up with date nights. For example, once a month you come up with a date where you go out and once a month one where you stay in and he does the same. That means you take turns each week coming up with date nights.
Think about things your partner would enjoy. Have a spa date at home where you spoil him with a massage. Take him out doing something he loves, be it wine tasting, paragliding, or trying out new chocolate shops. Whatever it is, make sure it’s something centered around his interests, but that you can also enjoy.
The more experiences you have together where you truly enjoy your time, the more likely you are to form a harmonious relationship. Also, focusing on coming up with date nights for each other mean you truly take the time to focus on what the other person wants.
Speak from the Heart
When we get upset with our partner we tend to get angry. We may even get vicious and say hurtful things. As the story goes it’s OK to argue, but not with an intention to harm. Disagreeing is one thing, putting someone down another.
Rather than doing that, when you get hurt, take a breath and calm down. Instead of yelling, or saying something hurtful step into your heart and share how it made you feel. Don’t blame your partner for making you feel that way (after all, you may be misinterpreting the situation – we tend to interpret things based on what we’ve experienced in the past), instead simply just share how you feel.
The truth is, your partner isn’t responsible for your feelings, you are, but you need to share what triggers you to feel a certain way. If something doesn’t make you happy, you have to let him know. Don’t nag, don’t blame, just share from your heart.
Get Clear on What a Good Relationship Is
Do you know what you want from a relationship? Do you even know what a great relationship is? Many of us don’t when we first start out dating; even after years of dating and having different relationships it evades some people what a good relationship truly is and what it is they’re seeking. It’s not like it’s something we were taught in school!
If you feel you want to find out more about relationships, read a couple of books about it. I highly recommend the following:
The Mastery of Love – Don Miguel Ruiz
The Five Love Languages – Gary Chapman
Hold Me Tight: Seven Conversations for a Lifetime of Love – Dr. Sue Johnson
Receiving Love: Transform Your Relationships by Letting Yourself Be Loved – Harville Hendrix and Helen LaKelly Hunt
The Way of the Superior Man – David Deida
The Language of Desire – Felicity Keith (this is an online “program” or book, what have you, about making a man want you in the bedroom – I was working with someone who was working with the team who sold this, which is why I had access to it and I must say, if you’re looking to spice it up in the bedroom and understand what he desires it’s a great read. If you’re looking for a literary masterpiece, on the other hand, you’ll be extremely disappointed)
Men Are from Mars, Women Are from Venus – John Gray
Signs of Abuse
A tumultuous relationship, in all honesty, is probably somewhat abusive on an emotional plane, unless you’re just creating tumult for fun…but is it really fun? Yes, stormy relationship can be intense and great at their peaks, but how many lows are there? And how bad are they? There’s a difference between having a somewhat stormy relationship because one, or both, of you haven’t yet mastered your emotions and plain abuse. Plain abuse is when the “stormy” things are, well, abusive.
If your boyfriend is so jealous you can’t go out with your friends without him being there, or knowing everything about the evening, you’re not in a healthy relationship. If he doesn’t allow you to live your life as you wish (be it concerning who you spend your time with, or something else), but rather wants to first approve whatever it is you do, it’s not healthy.
Likewise, if he dumps you, or is unavailable for stretches of time, only to return to your life time and time again, it’s not healthy. You need to build a functional relationship. You may want an open relationship, you may both want lots of space, but on and off and hot and cold is something different.
Anther warning signal is if he constantly puts you down. I’m not talking about cracking jokes about how bad you are at cooking, but if he always has something negative to say about your looks, the way you do things, the way you are around others and so forth, you better lose him fast. He’s your boyfriend. He’s supposed to support you. There will be things you disagree about and things you do which annoy him, but those shouldn’t be the main part of the relationship. Nor should they be the main focus.
If he has an incredibly explosive temper that’s one thing, but if he constantly takes his anger out on you, that’s another thing. And it’s not a healthy thing.
Most people don’t intentionally abuse someone, but if there are signs he’s a control freak and might end up emotionally abusing you, you need to ensure it stops, or leave him. You can try relationship therapy and following the pointers in this article, but if there is no change, be prepared to end the relationship. You deserve a happy and healthy relationship, everyone does! And unlike what you may think, you will find it if you focus on it.