How to deal if your boyfriend is boring
Do you feel like your relationship has fizzled out a bit? Like the sparkle has gone away? Join the club of normality. It happens to most people once that initial period of butterflies ends. And that period can last anywhere from a few months up to three years! For most though it lasts about six months to a year. After that the excitement of being in a new relationship is over. And so is some of the sparkle. Here’s how to deal with it.
Is It the Relationship or Is It Your Boyfriend?
Some people excite us when we first meet them because they give us something new. Like a sense of being loved and secure, or wild and adventurous because they are so different to anyone we’ve experienced before.
Once we’ve calmed down a bit we see them more for who they are. That may also mean we discover we aren’t all that compatible after all. Being loved and secure is all very nice, but you have to be in love with the man who provides the love and security too. And maybe what first felt like an adventure now feels annoying. Sort of like having to eat only dessert all the time. Someone who falls for a celebrity for example might very well discover that having the paparazzi in the bushes isn’t all that exciting after all. In fact, it can be downright irritating after a while. And maybe the man is just a regular man who snores and can’t remember to do his own dishes, even if he’s surrounded by cameras and swooning fans. Maybe he’s even really arrogant, only you didn’t see that at first because he was such a great flirt and the buzz surrounding so dazzling.
Many times when we lose the sparkle with someone we can rebuild it, but if you’ve discovered you aren’t a fit then it’s a different cup of tea. So have a real think about it – is it the relationship or the man that isn’t right? You can work together to change the relationship, but you can’t change the man.
Make Him Feel Valued
If you feel the relationship is lacking in spark it’s only too easy to start to project negativity onto your boyfriend. Maybe you start complaining about what he does and doesn’t do. The only thing that will lead to is him withdrawing, getting angry or giving up on the relationship. Which is the polar opposite of what you want – namely infusing some TLC and hot flying sparks.
The best way to turn a man into a Prince? Praise him.
When he does something for you that you love, like take you out, compliment you, etc. thank him profusely. Tell him how amazing he is for doing it. Usually also helps to say it makes him even sexier…
Find ways of randomly complimenting him as well. When he looks good, when he wears a sexy shirt, when he says something clever, and simply when the traits in him that you love come out to play. Make a point of giving him a compliment ever so often when around friends too.
Last, but not least, flirt. Don’t be afraid to tease, play and give him those kind of compliments. And definitively praise anything good he does to you under the covers.
A man who feels like a million dollars is a hundred times more likely of treating his woman like a million dollars.
Weekly Date Nights
You’ve heard it before, but it’s important: set time aside for date nights. If you can’t do it once a week, then do it fortnightly instead. Just make sure to do it! You need time for fun and romance if you want to have that element in the relationship.
Try New Experiences
We all get blinded by the things we know too well. When we learn new things, go to new places and meet new people, we feel alive, because we open our lives to what’s really going on. New experiences breathe life into our relationships too.
Try going on exciting new date nights. Take a course together where you learn and grow together. Plan a vacation to some place new. Go on weekend trips where you explore a new place. Change your routines around every once in a while.
Try Adrenaline Fueled Experiences
Adrenaline makes us fall in love. Couples who do slightly dangerous or adrenaline fueled activities on a first date are more likely to fall in love. Talk about the Knight in Shining Armor tale coming true.
Check out adrenaline fueled activities you’d both love, whether that’s racing cars, hiking, paragliding, surfing, paint balling or bungee jumping. It doesn’t have to be dangerous, it just has to have you release some adrenaline and you could get that from any kind of sport.
And sometimes it’s simply good to remember, as one does when in danger but could remember any time, that our time here is limited. If today was your last day with your man, what would you do differently? How would you feel different about him? Appreciating every moment as the last, makes us open our eyes to what it is we love. And if we don’t love something we realize that pretty quickly too.
There have been experiments done with strangers asking each other questions and looking each other in the eye. The more they revealed, the more they fell in love. Strangers.
Now, imagine when you do that with someone you actually know. It creates real fireworks. Dare to be vulnerable. Dare to be open. It’s sexy.
And of course – really ensure you have intimate dates where you start asking questions, sharing things and looking each other in the eye.
There are a million things to do to change out of routines and steam up your love life. Google it! And again, things like Tantra can increase intimacy (check out Shakti Milan) and other things, like a trip to Agent Provocateur, are excellent to steam things up.
Reclaim Your Own Life
There’s nothing sexier than a woman who’s happy inside and out. Take time for yourself. Ensure you actually do the things you want to do. Are you still exercising as much as you used to? Spending time with friends and family? Focusing on your career? And is your wardrobe filled with clothes that make you shine? Do you look after yourself and pamper yourself?
Unless you take care of yourself any spark you have in a relationship will fizzle out too.
Time Away Makes the Heart Grow Fonder
Spending time alone will help you gain clarity. It will also give you time to see if you miss someone. So spend a weekend away from each other every month. And ensure that during the week you have evenings that you spend by yourself and with friends and family. In fact, you should probably reserve one night for yourself and one for social activities that you do on your own.
The Five Love Languages by Gary Chapman is an excellent read where you can see how easy it is for relationships to fizzle out, but also how easy it can be to reignite them. It’s a book that gave me back my faith in relationships.
All relationships start with self-love and Don Miguel Ruiz writes about it in a powerful way in The Mastery of Love. He also touches upon the issue of whether someone is right for you or not, which might help you determine whether it’s your boyfriend or the relationship that’s lacking in flavor.
The Way of the Superior Man by David Deida is basically a book about the difference between masculine and feminine energies and how that comes out to play in relationships. It’s written for men, but every woman I’ve come across who read it raved about it. It will help you understand why, maybe, you think your man is a bit boring and what he can do to change that. It uses stereotypes, but as the story goes – there’s a reason they exist!
In Hold Me Tight: Seven Conversations for a Lifetime of Love Dr Sue Johnson touches upon the topic of intimacy – how we act from fear when we lose intimacy and start falling in love when we find it. It’s a truly astounding book which explains a lot of things about relationships and the traps we too often fall into.
Harville Hendrix and Helen LaKelly Hunt on the other hand talk about how sometimes we create obstacles in our relationships what would go away if we simply allowed someone else to love us, in their fabulous book Receiving Love: Transform Your Relationships by Letting Yourself Be Loved.
I love all these books. If you read them it will give you a true insight into why we choose the boyfriends we choose and how to work on relationships to turn the love up higher and infuse some romance. And create some flames too…
By Maria Montgomery – Maria is a freelance writer, director and social entrepreneur. She’s also the spokesperson for The Little Angels Community Center and an avid blogger. You can find her somewhere between Cape Town, London and L.A., where you will most likely find her in the hills, looking out over the city she loves. @OhMyMontgomery